' ... '

Damn, I'm Good

2011-08-21T23:02:00.003+07:00

I knew I am good at everything that I do.
But I don't think I would be good at being played at.
Exceedingly good, in fact. Too good. Damn!

The player must have the highest satisfaction ever.
Well, that is just how good I am.

Moving On (In Lie)

2011-08-09T11:25:00.003+07:00

Time has made me to. Time moved me on, on the very same day my life stopped. Its funny actually, how much I wanted to stay un-live, but time made me live after all.

Yes, time moved me on, and if I may add in lie(s). So many lies til I loath myself.

Running away all this time is just the part to run away from those lies in me.

Said I don't love, but I do.
Said I don't miss, but I am.
Said I don't lose a thing, but this is my greatest lost.

Yes, time moved me on. In lies.
And I lose myself, big time..

Love is Love

2011-08-03T14:00:00.002+07:00

Love is Love
No Matter What

Out of the perfect scam, still I Love
Out of the false words, still I Love
Out of the near-cruel treatments, still I Love

Because Love is Love
No Matter What

And I am Made of Love
Love is My Main Ingredient

Trash me as You like, still I Love
Scam me as You wish, still I Love
Tear me Over and Over again, still I Love

Because I am Made of Love
Love is My Main Ingredient

Rindu Tak Berujung

2011-07-28T15:53:00.002+07:00

Seperti hidup dalam kebohongan konstan.
Rasa ini tercipta dari kebohongan tingkat tinggi.
Tapi tetap terasa begitu sempurna,
hanya tak berujung..

Fingers Crossed

2011-07-20T14:03:00.002+07:00

One day...

I was not sure what am I doing here. Its like going round and round and has no end. But still Im doing the same exact thing every single time, just to find my self in the same spot. Uncertain and confuse. Lost and not found.

In me, I have this huge hole which I can almost feel it in my physical chest since I woke up in that particular day. Man, was and still that hard the feelings are.

Well, let's have these fingers crossed and walk through life, step by step.

10 days later...

Step by step it is. And these steps went from baby steps to a thousand miles steps. This uncertainty led me to semi insane-spontaneity. Planning a sudden trip in order to have steps going on in my life. And there I went. To a place where age is not a limit and money is degrading.

I can sense fear strucked. Along with curiosity and hesitation. Fighting uncertainty with unsecurity. And believe it or not, I kinda like the result. Kinda enjoying this lost-in-purpose process. Just me and these foot steps.

Miles to miles and people after people. Finding good and bad at once. Literally finding sky above the sky. Digging the dirt to find a piece of gold in my life. Well, got lost is fun!!

And as I walk through this journey, between those steps I found myself again. In an old man cleaning the pedestrian path, I found a piece of me. In a little boy sit calmly facing the glass wall, I found another piece of me. Between those trees, I also found piece of me is sneaking. Suddenly, one in the mirror is not a stranger anymore.

He said I need a change, change would do me good. He is totally right.

I might going back to the same old routine, but this lost trip change a bit of me. And I do feel good. Still have fingers crossed, for more good.

Sayang..

2011-07-12T11:05:00.001+07:00

Aku kangen sangat.
Itu saja.

Box (-ing)

2011-06-16T18:25:00.006+07:00

I always have certain fascination about box. I would go to a box store just to see those boxes in so many motives, colors and size, touch them and imagine what kind of stuff I can put there.

I love boxes and I have never imagine that this particular fascination would help me get through my life.

Yes. You read it correctly. From the love for boxes, I get help to get through with my life. Some of you might wondering how in the hell I can do that? Some of you might already guess me right. And some of you might also doing the same thing as myself already.

For you whom might still wondering how in the hell I can get help from my fascination of boxes, here you go.

The wise said, in order to be happy, we need to live in the present, right ? Well, I have problems with that. My brain can understand that statement but it is freaking difficult to have the attitude. I am either worrying about the future or clinging to my past. And this box-ing methode helps me to deal with one of them, the clinging to my past part.

When something is over (or should be over), I would have picture a box in mind. Then every single thing that relates to that particular event and/or person would go to that box.

The box-in process can take a lot longer than it should. That's my weakness. But somehow, those times would give me many things to learn. Or maybe I am good at taking advantages from the worst.

Back to the boxing process. Each time I visualize it, it helps me to have that 'let go' feeling, bit by bit. And when finally I can imagine that I close the box with a tape, what a relief!

As for now, I am still boxing some things in few boxes. One box from last year is closing. Lessen my burden, free myself to embrace unlimited possibilities.

'You gotta love the process, Babe' - said me to myself.
That's what life all about, isn't it?

Terasa Sakit, Karena Ada

2011-06-13T22:00:00.004+07:00

Setelah bergulat dengan segala pembenaran dan pelarian, akhirnya saya tiba di satu waktu, tempat dan keyakinan, bahwa sakit ini terasa, dan akan terus terasa karena dia ada, dan akan tetap ada.

Dia, dengan hanya keberadaannya saja, merubah dunia saya.
'Bhumi Mandala Kelana'

Cinta saya selalu, sayang..

~happy 2nd month

Satu Cinta

2011-06-12T23:24:00.000+07:00

Kukenal satu cinta
Yang penuh hasrat menggelora

Lain lagi satu cinta
Yang memberi tanpa henti

Ada pula satu cinta
Menggoda dan ceria

Dan satu cinta lain
Tidak berapi, hanya membara

Tapi cinta satu ini, lain..
Tidak seperti satu cinta yang lain

Cinta yang bisa menyesakkan dada
Cinta yang terhirup seiring nafas
Cinta yang tak berdasar, seberapa dalam pun kau menyelam
Cinta yang 'kan ku tukar dengan jiwa

Dan aku..
Aku jatuh cinta..

The Food

2011-06-01T13:52:00.003+07:00

Each and everyone of us must have certain food with which we grew up.
Mine is 'soto', particularly Soto Pak Slamet or back then we used to call it soto rel sepur, since the place is just across train track.

All five of us has soto as the food of our life. And this place is a must visit place whenever we go back home to Jogja.

And the last time I went to Jogja, my food freak sister Tita told me to try soto in Sagan, where she used to buy as brunch in between her classes. Predictably, that is the same place I used to go when I was in college. :)) So, the next day, here I went.

And the crowd was never less than this. Even back then.

Seemingly plain in composition, but taste so good, still.

Well, that's it. The food. My food. Simple food for simple person. ;)

'walking away'

2011-05-31T13:08:00.003+07:00

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

Sometimes some people get me wrong
When it's something I've said or done
Sometimes you feel there is no fun
That's why you turn and run
But now I truly realize
Some people don't wanna compromise
Well I saw them with my own eyes spreading those lies
And well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
Not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away from the troubles in my life
I'm walking away oh to find a better day
I'm walking away

Well I'm so tired baby
Things you say you're driving me away
Whispers in the powder room baby
Don't listen to the games they play
Girl I thought you'd realize
I'm not like them other guys
Cause I saw them with my own eyes
You should've been more wise
And well I don't wanna live a lie, too many sleepless nights
Not mentioning the fights, I'm sorry to say lady

~ Walking Away - Craig David

my oldies taste

2011-05-23T13:17:00.003+07:00

At a homestay, an oldie homestay, which I fell in love the second I came in cause of these old stuffs.

an old wall mirror and a steel iron
you need to have hot charcoals to use that kind of iron

oldieeess radio!!! how coool is thatt!!

Let Go or Let In ?

2011-05-20T14:18:00.005+07:00

One quiet afternoon.
Just my steps and Bon Jovi playing on my ears.
Opened that clear door and filled the form.
Trying to ignore my own head.

15 minutes to the scheduled event.
Barely felt my feet.
Vomit was on the way.
But after several breath taking and releasing and a friendly reminder, there I went.

Shoes off.
Just a cushion, a module and a bottle of water.
Can't feel anything, but running away that instance.
My brain said no, I already paid for this class.

As far as I can get in those explanations is just when this class will end.
And as far as I read the module, I was terrified.
This class has no mirror in it, but I feel like facing a huge one.
And there I was.

Holding my pain, my loss, my burden, alone and helpless.
Can't even remember how to breathe, how to be alive.
Never been so terrified before.
Though the class was so funny and relax.

Biting my lips is not holding my tears from falling down.
I just can't hold it.
I need to go. I have to go.
Should I go ??

But something about the leading voice made me still in my seat.
Guide without any expectation.
Just do it as your wish.
Feeling not doing it is also acceptable.

And I just let myself close my eyes.
Not feeling anything, not expecting anything.
Pain, Loss, Burden,
Bring it On!

10 minutes later (or more, I don't know)
I stopped sobbing.
Like nothing ever happened before.
Just right there, right on that moment.

I am supposed to do the let-go process.
Instead I feel like it was more let-in process.
To deal and go along with life,
Is it let go or let in ?

Ibu..

2011-05-11T12:14:00.003+07:00

Ibu
Aku ingin pulang
Ke dalam pelukanMu
Lantak meluluh di kakiMu

Ibu
Di depan Mu, tak ada lagi aku
Tak mengenal bahasa kecuali air mata
Mengalir tak henti karena kasihMu

Ibu
Maha Kasih Engkau
Maha Perkasa Engkau
Andai aku sedikit saja sepertiMu

Ibu
Tak berharap lagi tuk kembali
Tuk mendapat ampunan abadi
Atau waktu berputar mengayomi

Ibu
NamaMu terus ku panggil
Untuk temani aku, berjalan bersamaku
Menjadi kekuatanku, menerima luka ini

Dan Ibu..
Aku mencintaiMu..

il Mondo Pizza

2011-05-10T12:03:00.006+07:00

Went out for a lunch with my sister, Tita the other day. After a little incident, me wearing short, t-shirt and flip flop picked her up in her campus which of course drew all the attention of the students, we decided to make that day up with italiano style. And here we goes, il Mondo Pizza.

At first, I was not sure about the place. I mean, I was expecting a restaurant kind a look but I guess this place is more of trattoria which means tavern or small cafe.

They have 2 floors. 1st floor is kitchen and waiting space for those who order take out. 2nd floor for dine in guests. Their interior theme is dark wooden theme accessories with old school pictures. The pictures may be old school, but not the waiters. They're all youngsters with the latest fashion and they're all boys. I did not see any girl in the kitchen nor waiting the tables.

So, after seated, we were given the menu. And the menu was really cute! It's half round papers with leather cover. Unfortunately, I forgot to take the picture of that cute menu.

Took us a short time to order. Yes, we are starving :))
So, we ordered a pepperoni pizza with mozarella and cheese fries. As for the beverage, Tita ordered ice lemon tea and lime squash for myself.

Pepperoni Pizza with Mozarella

Cheese Fries

The pizza was crusty. And they really baked it in a stove instead an oven, since we have a little ashes in our pizza. But it was a yummy pizza! Fries with cheese is also yummy, since Tita ate all of it till the last salt on the plate. She is a food freak! :))

And here we are! :D

not so good pose for me

trying to look calm pose for Tita and she was absolutely not calm

We paid IDR 85.ooo for our order which I think that was a good price and I said to Tita, this is a good place to eat, great pizza and I would definitely take my friends here some other time.

il Mondo
Better Than Tasty
Jl Cendrawasih 21A
Demangan, Jogjakarta

Beautiful Minds

2011-05-05T21:59:00.001+07:00

One said once that every great man in this world would have their great minds scattered through out the universe when they passed away. And it could be captured by anyone in this world with no exception but one condition, receptivity in sense of clear consciousness.

I find it so beautiful imagining how great minds are in the air waiting to be grasped and used for the betterment of this world and I really do believe it.

One only needs to work on their receptivity and have clear consciousness to grasp those beautiful minds. And to have enough receptivity, the simplest way, in my opinion, is to be open. Open to everything that happens around us, open to any difference that might come up, open to accept any possibility in life.

It is always nice to meet people with that kind of openness, so many things to share and surely great time await to be spend. And couple days ago I met one, surprisingly from a decade generation after mine.

I am so amazed how we started with light conversation, ended sharing about letting go in life. And once again, we are one decade separated in age. I have my mind blown that afternoon. And I can’t stop thanking Lord for setting me a way to learn and keep learning using all the experiences that I’ve been going through and still.

Life is all about letting go. One second behind is no longer there and we have to let go in order to start surrender. What a beautiful mind!

Beautiful minds are everywhere. Grasp them and be beautiful, truly beautiful.

'Seva', Seni Melepaskan Pamrih

2011-04-29T17:37:00.005+07:00

'Seva' (dibaca: sewa) adalah bahasa sanskrit, kependekan dari 'karseva', yang secara harafiah diartikan sebagai pelayanan tanpa pamrih yang bisa diwujudkan dengan berbagai tindakan.

Dalam tradisi Sikh, seorang yang menerima, membersihkan dan menjaga sepatu para peziarah di Gurdwara adalah salah satu contoh sevadar, atau orang yang sedang melakukan seva. Pengalaman ketika mengunjungi Gurudwara di daerah Pasar Baru, Jakarta Pusat, sebelum memasuki Gurudwara, kita semua wajib menitipkan sepatu di tempat penitipan sepatu yang dijaga oleh beberapa orang. Ketika mengulurkan alas kaki, perasaan karuan tidak enak. Namun penerima sepatu itu seperti sedikit memaksa dan berkata tanpa kata bahwa saya sangat bahagia bisa melayani anda dengan menyimpan dan menjaga sepatu anda baik-baik.

Lain lagi dengan komunitas Sai Baba. Bhakta Sai Baba biasanya rutin melakukan seva di panti asuhan, panti jompo ataupun bersedekah untuk lingkungan di sekitar Sai Center. Waktu itu, di sebuah panti asuhan di daerah Kaliurang, Jogjakarta, saya berkesempatan bergabung dalam seva yang diselenggarakan oleh Sai Center Jogjakarta. Mereka berniat memberikan hiburan dan bersedekah makanan bagi. Alhasil, siang itu kami habiskan bermain musik dan makan siang bersama teman-teman di panti asuhan tersebut.

Satu lagi komunitas yang mempunyai kegiatan seva, yaitu Komunitas Anand Ashram. Seva di Anand Ashram biasanya diwujudkan dengan program Medical Camp yaitu pengobatan gratis dan pembagian susu bagi anak sekolah. Juga sebuah program, yang menurut saya pionir dilakukan di Indonesia, Pusat Pemulihan Stres dan Trauma Keliling (PPSTK). PPSTK bertujuan untuk membantu masyarakat mengembalikan ketenangan diri sehingga bisa menghadapi trauma pasca bencana dengan baik.

Konsep seva atau pelayanan tanpa pamrih ini juga tidak asing dalam budaya nusantara, gotong royong, dimana sekumpulan orang melakukan pelayanan untuk kepentingan bersama dalam sebuah masyarakat dan lingkungan luas. Di lingkungan tempat tinggal saya, di kota Jogjakarta, masih rutin diselenggarakan kerja bakti yang diinstruksikan oleh rukun tetangga dan rukun warga setempat. Memang kerja bakti yang dianjurkan adalah membersihkan lingkungan di sekitar rumah warga masing-masing, namun tidak terlepas membersihkan fasilitas umum di sekitarnya juga, seperti jalan umum, selokan, taman kota dan pos keamanan.

Bertindak untuk kebaikan bersama. Seperti itulah setidaknya gambaran dari pelayanan tanpa pamrih ini. Tidak terbatas pada latar belakang komunitas, budaya maupun agama. Namun satu pertanyaannya adalah kapan terakhir kalinya kita bertindak untuk kebaikan bersama ?

Bagi saya pribadi, sudah lama sekali dari terakhir kalinya saya terlibat dalam pelayanan tanpa pamrih. Terlalu lama bahkan dan seringkali merasa eneg sama diri sendiri yang terlampau egois.

Satu kali tempo, saya pernah ditawari sebuah metode bersedekah untuk sebuah badan sosial di bawah Perserikatan Bangsa Bangsa. Mengusung kepraktisan dan kemajuan jaman, metode ini hanya melibatkan sebuah pulpen untuk menandatangani persetujuan dan kartu kredit untuk mengkreditkan sejumlah uang setiap bulannya yang digunakan untuk kebaikan pendidikan anak-anak.

Tertarik sangat pada program-programnya, saya bertanya apakah ada kegiatan yang secara langsung saya bisa ikuti. Jawabannya adalah tawa terbahak. Bingung. Dan kebingungan saya yang tercetak jelas menghentikan tawa itu dan memburu yang bersangkutan untuk menjelaskan kembali inti program yang berupa kepraktisan dalam bersedekah.

Bukan bermaksud menyinggung atau mengecilkan nilai sedekah melalui uang, namun menurut saya pelayanan tanpa pamrih sedikit berbeda dengan bersedekah melalui uang. Berbeda dalam keterlibatan. Langsung terlibat sulit digantikan dengan sebuah nilai mata uang.

Tawa terbahak dari promotor program itu jadi membuat saya berpikir. Di tengah arus dan dinamika kehidupan masyarakat dalam usia produktif di Jakarta ini sering kali membuat lupa untuk berlatih menafikan ego melalui pelayanan tanpa pamrih. Saya salah satunya.

Kelupaan ini tidak mengurangi kebaikan yang ada dalam masyarakat, dalam dunia ini. Namun justru mengurangi kebaikan dalam diri karena lupa ini berbuah pupuk untuk ego. Ketika ego terbiak dengan baik, hidup tidak akan menjadi lebih baik.

Teringat kembali karuan perasaan ketika menyerahkan alas kaki ke penjaga alas kaki di depan Gurudwara. Karuan perasaan yang bisa memicu kerendahan hati. Dan saya masih jauh dari rendah hati, butuh banyak pemicu lagi.

Follow Unfollow ?

2011-04-25T13:31:00.007+07:00

Twitter sudah menjadi gaya hidup. Tidak mempunyai akun twitter sepertinya tidak 'ada' dalam dunia ini. Setidaknya itu yang menjadi tren media sosial saat ini.

Ada yang menarik dari twitter ini. Selain keterbatasan jumlah karakter yang bisa dimasukkan dalam sekali twit, kecepatan updatenya membuat twitter ini canggih dalam penyebaran informasi, baik itu promosi produk sampai dengan kampanye untuk menjatuhkan sebuah pemerintahan.

Awal bergabung dengan twitter, sama sekali tidak ada niata untuk promosi produk sampai dengan kampanye untuk menjatuhkan sebuah pemerintahan. Hanya mencoba media sosial baru dengan karakteristik unik yang waktu itu sedang banyak dibicarakan orang.

Berkicaulah saya di account twitter omingoke.

Dan kicauan demi kicauan terlontar. Dari mulai curahan hati sampai dengan kritik pedas untuk pihak-pihak yang kontroversial di portal-portal berita yang saya follow. Dari mulai kicauan tidak penting sampai dengan kicauan yang menyatakan idealisme saya.

Puas hati ini dalam menggunakan media sosial bernama twitter ini. Saya mendapat manfaat dari teman-teman atau portal yang saya follow. Dan saya berniat menyebarkan manfaat dengan menjaga kicauan-kicauan saya agar tidak terlalu personal, apalagi sampai dengan menerabas privasi dan personalitas seseorang.

Namun saya tersadarkan akan sesuatu setelah salah seorang follower saya (yang mungkin sekarang sudah unfollow saya karena kesalahpahaman dari pihak saya) yang mengirimkan mention 'folbek,sis?'.

'Folbek' saya artikan sebagai fallback, yang sering digunakan dalam lingkup pekerjaan saya. Dan saya membalasnya dengan panjang lebar ketidakpahaman saya. Dan yang bersangkutan pun menjadi tidak paham pangkat dua.

Setelah beberapa lama, saya baru ngeh kalau 'folbek' itu seharusnya diartikan sebagai 'follow back'. Dan saya tersadarkan. O iya, saya tidak follow yang bersangkutan.

Mengapa ? Terus terang, sebelum saya memutuskan untuk follow atau unfollow seseorang, saya mempunyai filter tersendiri.

Pertama, seberapa dekat yang bersangkutan dengan lingkup pergaulan saya.
Bukan berarti saya tidak akan follow orang yang tidak dekat dengan saya. Justru kadang saya tidak follow orang yang dekat dengan saya karena yang bersangkutan tersaring di filter yang kedua.

Kedua, kicauannya tentu saja.
Beberapa teman berkicau kacau dan terlalu personal. Bahkan cenderung offensive. Sayangnya, saya masih terlalu kacau untuk ditambahkan kekacauan lagi. Tapi ada juga teman yang pedas dan cenderung kasar, tetap saya follow karena sebagian besar kicauannya bermanfaat untuk saya pelajari lebih lanjut.

Dan menariknya lagi, ternyata ada fenomena untuk mengumpulkan follower sebanyak-banyaknya di arena media sosial ini. Angka follower ini dianggap sebagai ukuran seberapa terkenal dan berpengaruhnya yang bersangkutan di tanah twit ini.

Dan memang itulah cara kerja twitter. Seseorang dengan follower yang banyak akan dapat menyebarkan informasi lebih efektif daripada seseorang dengan follower yang tidak terlalu massive. Tapi apakah kemudian kicauan-kicauan yang dilontarkan harus dibebani dengan tendensi menggaet follower ? Ah, sayang sekali.

Sepertinya saya memilih untuk tidak bermain di dunia gemerlap selebtwit jika harus mengorbankan otentitas kicauan saya untuk dunia.

Please do follow me if you find my twits beneficial, if you don't no matter, let's share our minds to the world and hope it will benefit the world somehow, someday. And I will do the same. Cheers! ;)

Auto Sabotage

2011-04-20T18:01:00.003+07:00

For the past (more than) couple months, I was always uttering my intention to die, having no more will to live, and so on. Someone records all that and makes it happen.

Who is it ? Me.
Yeah, me, myself and I. Its my subconscious to be exact.

I wasn't aware til I got hospitalized the other day. I wasn't even able to held my head up. Aching all over my body, even sleeping was painful.

I was hospitalized in the afternoon, got some IV and some painkiller. Later on that day, I finally realized that this is my subconscious speaking. All that death wishes is finally take form. Auto sabotage.

b's birth

2011-04-19T14:07:00.003+07:00

my dearest Bhumi, i am truly sorry
for being so irresponsible and being so fearful
you were there, should be much more than enough for me to deal with everything, everyone, the world

my dearest Bhumi, i am truly sorry
you were the most beautiful that can ever happened to me
then, now and ever, i love you

piece of silence

2011-04-19T13:46:00.002+07:00

here
i can runaway from everything
especially from my-extremely-loud-mind
and get a piece of silence

About Love

2011-03-29T12:07:00.002+07:00

melengkapi
gelap dan terang

terpisahkan
saling merindukan

tentang cinta
dia dan saya

Can't Get You Out Of My Head

2011-03-18T17:18:00.001+07:00

I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy your lovin’ is all I think about
I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about

I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy your lovin’ is all I think about
I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about

Every night, every day
Just to be there in your arms
Won’t you stay
Won’t you then stay forever
And ever and ever and ever

I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy your lovin’ is all I think about
I just can’t get you out of my head
Boy it’s more than I dare to think about

There’s a dark secret in me
Don’t leave me locked in your heart
Set me free
Feel the need in me
Set me free
Stay forever
And ever and ever and ever

literally can't..

tried to run

2011-03-14T00:55:00.001+07:00

failed every single time :)
i miss u, b..
permanently..

i Lied

2011-03-10T10:56:00.003+07:00

Though I've learned through the hardest way not to lie to anyone, esp to myself, but sometimes lying is the best thing to do. For the betterment of the one(s) I love.

As much as I resent this feeling, it hit me twice much more.

I lied. I have to. For you.

I'd die for you. And I did.
I'd lie for you. Done also.

Just for you.

The funny part is when I decided to lie, I felt the truest moment in my life. The truest feeling I ever have. :) Then I found myself asking question, how can I ever forget this kind of feeling ? The answer came that instance: never.

About Freedom

2011-03-01T23:18:00.002+07:00

How would you define freedom? Is it the ability, financially and timely, to do whatever, whenever, and however you want? Or is it a state of mind that allow you to do whatever, whenever and however beyond any judgment and boundaries?

I was always obsessed about freedom, about being free. That is why I was always a rebel, ever since and still. I would do anything that most people would not do. In short, don’t ever tell me what not to do, because most likely I would do it. Back then, I thought being able to do whatever I wanted is freedom.

Then my life entered working phase, where I am bound to a company in a contract, per letter and legally bound. Routines to go to work from 8 to 5 (more often more than 5), working the job assigned, discussing everything about and related to the scope of work, troubleshooting and suddenly ‘freedom’ (as I had it figured) had left the stage.

Few years gone by and still bound to the company. But later on, another priority set in. And the cat game is on. I would have this another priority to be the first priority than my job. My management skill is proven well that time. And I thought I was getting my ‘freedom’ back.

And when I thought I was a free man, I had my confidence up to the sky above, something hit me hard and successfully dropped me way down back to earth. That something was my own choice. The choice that only proved I am strapped on this very world (read: judgments and boundaries).

I lost my confidence. But I have to live with the choices that I’ve made. We all have to, right? And so I live. Losing everything, but manage to ‘enjoy’ every single lost and the pain, I have to say, is addictive!

Freedom is out of my frame since I made that choice. And I wouldn’t dare to even imagine about freedom anymore. But life always finds its way to make joke of its player.

By pure instinct, I applied to government employment. And got accepted, which means job security and free times are at my disposal. In the other hand, I am granted full liberty by the company I work for now on my working time and place. It’s like another forms of ‘freedom’ are teasing me now.

Freedom in terms of more free times if ever I decide to work for the government. Freedom in terms of working in any hour and any place I want, which I already have. And it’s kind of funny, how I can’t found the definition of ‘being able to do whatever’ in this kind of freedom but I do feel a little freedom now.

The freedom has a completely different face now. It’s not about doing whatever I want or having the state of mind beyond any judgment and boundaries. It’s more about being able to see everything as it is and do everything in its accordance, moment per moment. Free to be completely who I am and able to held a full responsibility of what I do. That's all I got up until now. About freedom.

Between Choices

2011-02-25T23:32:00.004+07:00

Life is all about choices, some say. And yes, I too agree. From daily lives to the major choices of our lives. From choosing what food are we going to eat today to to what are we going to do with our lives.

Long time ago, with a friend who's very dear to me (oh how I missed him so..), I had a discussion about choices of life and how every single choice that we make would bring us places but not in certain things. Those things (according to him) are birth, mate, fortune and death. At that time, we were young (in terms of age in this particular life) and we haven't made many choices to be regretted for. But we came to a 'silence' that night, 'silence' I can't ever forget. 'Silence' that says 'here we go, choices are waiting'.

Many years gone by now, we surely walked our own path and made the choices of our own life. Right or wrong is (surely) not the subject (and so not my subject). And our choices did take us places. He's got his own company now and I just can't wait for the moment I'd inhale a breath and never exhale it back.

Gratitude or regret is the common reaction after we make our choices. If the choices are beneficial in anyways, gratitude would be uttered. And if we don't find any beneficial (as per our terms), we'd pose a regret.

Both, gratitude and regret, are reactions after we make an act of choosing. Having the reaction after an action is normal, in fact its nature's law. That's why life has its ups and downs. I, personally, am still trying to enjoy this ride, to the max. I'd have no hesitation at all to laugh as hard as I want and to suck the pain in its every iota part in terms of enjoying this ride to the max. And I have.

But, instead of lagging on reaction, I figure to take a lil bit lead. I'm taking the lead till we get to the gap between choices. Just right before we'd make another choice in this life. What is really going on there ?

We'd mostly find calculation and comparison there in every aspect possible. Feelings and emotions sometimes play their role to either screw or help us. And in fewer sometimes, we have our consciousness and awareness rules.

Sometimes when we find ourselves in the lead position, we get to have a prediction of the reaction we'd experience later on. Might help us a little to go through the ups and downs. Especially if we have the consciousness and the awareness up.

But I can't help wondering, after all those choices I made in this particular life, that has brought me places (real places and state-of-mind places), after all the gratitude and all the regrets, is it really up to me to make all those choices ? Or I was (am still) just blinded by the ego playing God ? Since whatever choices I'd have made in the past, eventually will bring me in this one particular place where I am now (regarding the things that are certain no matter what between birth and death).

Somehow and some when between those agarbattis, I just lay down there and figure whatever may come as my choices in the table of life and whatever my choosing would be, all I have to do is just be prepared for the ups and downs, without getting too attach with it, cause I held high my responsibility (read: respond ability) attitude without losing style in the process.

Choices were in the table. We've chose. And in between is our attitude, our respond ability, the responsibility. Till the next choices lay in the table.

Tri. Three. Trei, Tres.Treyes. Telu.

2011-02-23T22:04:00.007+07:00

In my previous post, I posted 3 pictures of geometric patterns. For some people, those pictures meant more than just geometric patterns. They even consider it as holy patterns. But I am not going to write about those beliefs regarding the pictures I posted. Just about one thing I posted those 3 pictures, triangle.

You will see triangle pattern as the core pattern of those pictures. And I can't help wondering why. Triangle must have played an important role. Then I found myself searching the triangle effect on my own life. Guess what ? I found one.

I. Him. We're His.

~just to soothe my deep longing..

sneak peek

2011-02-16T13:55:00.001+07:00

not an iota away

2011-02-12T23:36:00.000+07:00

the pain
the loss
the longing
the sense of you

not an iota away from 4 months ago..
b, i miss you so....

Borneo

2011-02-12T02:13:00.006+07:00

The island I came back for the second period.
The first one was around 2003 or 2004 ( I forgot!!) for an On Job Training in Bontang, East Kalimantan. And the second period recently Real Job Not Training in Sampit, Central Kalimantan.

A little bit about Kalimantan or Borneo as it was called in the past, as explained by Aunt Wiki here, is the third largest island in the world and the land of so many rivers.

From the first visit, I get the idea of the third largest island in the world, cause travel via land from town to town can take days. I personally just had the hours travel from Bontang to Samarinda. And I felt the largeness of the island already.

And after the second visit, I get the idea of the land of so many rivers. So many rivers in terms of amount and 'real' river in width and depth. Mahakam and Mentaya rivers are two of that so many rivers. And in these rivers, ships make port. I'm not talking about small boat, but a ship. KM Leuseur was one of the ships I saw made port in Mentaya river. It was a 3000 men of capacity ship. And my mind had its protest for being set that 'river' is not for a ship to make port, instead in this island, so many 'rivers' to make port on.

The etymology of 'kalimantan' is derived from Sanskirt 'kalamanthana' which means island with burning temperature. And indeed, it is since Kalimantan lies in the equator line. Pontianak, West Kalimantan is famous as the Equator City.

Coming to this island, the first and the second period, makes me realize how rich we are as a nation and how poor we are in managing that wealth.

Some snapshots from the second period.
The first period snapped in hard copy. ;)

figured H.Asan must be a filthy rich folk

standard vehicle

this single-one way baggage belt is very interesting :)) wait til my bag is (literally) fell on my feet

its a restaurant but I fell in love with a pair of shoes they put in the cashier, unfortunately its not for sale

and last but not least, this blue house serves yummy 'soto madura'

bald and beyond

2011-02-11T00:08:00.004+07:00

I was not made aware of my baldness severity until I took this picture, when I was about to depart on my journey to the 'unknown'. I needed bold, instead I got bald. And beautiful jumped right out the window, left me no other choice than to see beyond.

to see beyond.
to feel beyond.
to search beyond.
to be beyond.
beyond.
oh i am so (bald) beyond!

'Amat Victoria Curam'

2011-02-08T13:23:00.003+07:00

Stay low, sharp eyes, and detailed plans. Assignment completed with no or minimal risk. That's how you would describe Arthur Bishop (Jason Statham) as the mechanic, aside from its ordinary definition, a hit man.

Per skill, Arthur was above the average. And his boss, Harry McKenna (Donald Sutherland) was always please with Arthur. Their agreement grew to a close relationship. But unfortunately, this close relationship made Arthur the perfect man to carry out an assignment from Harry's partner in that company, Dean (Tony Goldwyn). Assignment to kill Harry cause Dean suspected an information leakage from Harry.

Arthur was proven 'good' at the job. And Harry didn't even bother to fight back.

Harry left none to Steve McKenna (Ben Foster). Arthur was more of Harry's son than Steve was. But the loss is more to Steve than to Arthur, and he wanted a revenge.

Steve had himself luring a car jacker to kill since Harry was killed in a car jacking scenario. Right before he killed the car jacker, Arthur came along and stop him. Steve then realized that Arthur had skills. And he came to Arthur to learn what it takes to be a hit man, as his father once taught Arthur to be one.

And Arthur did taught Steve. But style is a personal thing. It can't be taught over. The next assignments in which Arthur left Steve in charge, it went 'dirty'. The target was a hit man from another company. A chihuahua lover and a gay. And Arthur was already preparing Steve as a chihuahua lover and a gay for 3 weeks so he can have an encounter with the target. But instead finishing the target as planned, with a heart stopper medicine, Steve chose the hard way. Accomplished, but 'dirty'. Even when Arthur got involved, Steve recklessness still affect the operation.

But in his escape from one messy operation, Arthur saw the guy from his company who's suppose to be dead regarding the allegation to Harry. And from this guy, Arthur learned that Harry was not the tipper. It was Dean.

Furious he was, but still managed to chase Dean in his hiding with Steve and killed him. Along the way, Steve found his father gun in Arthur's garage and learned that Arthur was the killer.

After killing Dean, they went for an escape. And in a gas station, Steve left Arthur in the car while he filled the gas. Revenge was always the motif for Steve to learn to be a hit man, and his revenge was closer than he had expected. From his father gun, Steve shot the car.

Revenge's paid. What next ? Steve went to Arthur's place and put the music on. Then he drove the car which Arthur left a note with. 'Steve, if you read this note, then you are dead. -Bishop'. Steve laughed and step the gas. That was the last thing he did. While Arthur escaped from the car in the gas station before Steve shot it cause he saw Harry's gun in Steve's jacket.

Well, that's 'Amat Victoria Curam'. Victory loves preparations.

we are.

2011-02-07T01:32:00.000+07:00

babe, do you know that you are amazing ?
you made me amazing
you made Us amazing!

every single one who knew how we've been together and after
would have their mouth opened
to know what kind of mark you left me

its beyond huge
it can't be great
it stays forever

amazing
wonderful
and most beautiful, we are.
yes, we are.

Read Me

2011-02-04T18:25:00.005+07:00

This is sad. I deserve better, I deserve the best. Not from you, not from anyone, but from myself. And the way to give the best to myself starts with some respect.

I respect myself as a fine (if not sophisticated) woman, with lots of brain, lots of passion, kind-hearted and caring. And I can also stood up for myself. Strong feet to support my own life. Skillful hands to carve my own destiny. Yes, I do respect myself.

Dear one, loving in my fullest is my nature. Yes, you are lucky (maybe a lil bit more) to be loved by me. Cause I'd give you the fullest and I already did. Not a single regret, just gratitude for love is love, pure and unconditional.

Unfortunately, some failed to see my way. And some just missed their shots. That's okay. We all are supposedly to learn the lessons, right ?

Now, read me.
Let's play some respect from now on and from here on. Not for you, not for me, not for the world. But for the lesson we've (supposedly) learned. The price of that lesson is a life. Price that nothing in this world and/or beyond can repay. The least we can do is putting some respect on it. Don't you think ?

And this has been so sad. For everyone that's involved. And surely respect is not in the equation at all. That is why this has been so sad. None of us deserves this. And surely some respect would be a good start to make it decent for everyone.

(in realization that you are in your finest spot in your life, dear.. be grateful and i am thankful for being able to see you in your finest)

'I Believe in Change'

2011-02-03T21:23:00.002+07:00

Do we have to believe in change ? That's the next question.
Change happens, whether we want it or not. And you may pretend that everything is the same, but it is not.

One day, a friend asked me if ever I choose society over myself, and I replied I've chose society once just to learn that I should have choose myself. And the pain is still the same, the wound is not healing at all.

But whatever I choose, change happened. Like it or not.

I can only imagine what would it be if ever I choose myself that time. I would not be running like this, instead I would be staying and caring for my precious. Preparing to have my precious in less than 20 weeks.

But that's not the change I've had and still having. I would not refer it as a change actually, but a loss, total loss.

Since I chose the society, I lose everything. I'm not changing, but losing. Literally everything. In my words, death is a better fate than this.

Yet, I have to deal with this loss cause apparently I'm still breathing. The loss change me in every aspect of my life, if you want to call this a life. I have new pair of 'eyes' to see this world in a whole new perspective. And these perspectives I have are not easily accepted by the society, I couldn't care less.

Change happens, change had happened. I am not the same person I was. So does the world as I see it, which I couldn't care even less.

But it seems the world can't afford to lose one person to play in its stage. It's like in every way, it tries to draw me back in the name of 'change'. 'Change' as this world wants me to be, and ignoring what I've become. How funny is that?!

And I cried my eyes out today trying to convince the world that I don't belong to their precious place. I am a dye in their milk pot. As the matter of fact I'm the trash and should be put in the trash can cause I chose to be one.

Pretending to open your arms and saying that everything is still the same, the past is already behind, while we all can see my stain is not likely going to fade/gone, is not helping at all. It only worsen everything that's already worst.

Change happens, and I don't have to believe in it. It just happens. And I am suppose to be able to accept that change, no matter how good and/or bad it is. So do you.

'bhumi'

2011-02-03T00:49:00.004+07:00

precious..
mine..
him..

my 'bhumi'

Hardly Simple, Simply Hard

2011-02-02T23:10:00.008+07:00

Being simple is hard. Yet life is simple. Being hard is simple. Yet life is hard.
What the hell am I talking about ? Intention, especially hidden intention.

I would call it shrimp, taken from proverb 'ada udang di balik batu'.

Now, I can only mention one person, who has no 'shrimp' in our relationship. We'd meet as easy as we'd separate. We'd gain as much as the other gains. We'd lose as much as the other loses. We'd share as much as the other shares. Get along but still in our own path.

While with others, I am done guessing and experiencing surprises. 'Shrimp' surprises. And usually it's not a good 'shrimp'.

What is it with people and hidden intentions ? Call me naive, call me a hypocrite, but I just can't see the point of having 'shrimp' on any relationship.

I am not-so-bad liar. I can easily lied to my mother, told her I went to climb a mountain while actually I went to Jakarta to watch Linkin Park's concert. Yes, I lied, so many times. But never hidden intention.

You may thought its the same thing, lies and hidden intention. I think its not the same thing.

Hidden intentions are much more cruel than lies. Lies hurt you once. Once the truth surfaced, no more problems (maybe troubleshooting is needed). But hidden intentions hurt you more than once. And after the 'shrimp' surfaced, you'll lose your 'appetite'.

And not only it hurts to have a hidden intention on, but it also complicates life. Its like a magnetic field screwing your life compass. Your relationship and everything in it is hardly left in one piece. Its just sad, trust me.

But lately, everyone seems to have a 'shrimp' on me. And life automatically become hardly simple. And I have to handle it with a simply hard way. Just to make life simple again.

Fiuhh, can I just stay away from these 'shrimps' ?

More than Meets the Eyes

2011-01-31T13:01:00.009+07:00

Ali (Christina Aquilera), a waitress who can't see herself trapped and worked in a small restaurant in Iowa, packed one suitcase and went to LA hoping to change her fortune with her talents.

She tried out all the singers, backing vocals and dancers vacancies. But none succeeded. Till one time, she saw a dancer fixing her outfit on top of a bar. Burlesque. That's the bar name.

So, she paid $20 out of her not-so-much money and went in to that bar. She thought it was a strip club, but turned out it was the dream stage of hers.

Tess (Cher) was performing 'Welcome to Burlesque' beautifully. And immediately Ali knew where she's suppose to be.

With a help of Jack (Cam Gigandet), the bartender/pianist, she went to back stage and asked for Tess. She met Sean (Stanley Tucci), Tess's best friend/wardrobe. As she met Tess and asked for a job, Tess sent her back to Sean. Meaning no job available.

Fortunately give up is not in Ali's vocab. So when she saw the waitress is not taking orders properly, she just grabbed a tray and started to take orders. And finally the opportunity came for Ali to show what she got to Tess and Sean.

An audition. Ali showed Tess and Sean that she can do what the other dancers do. And she did show them. Too good till one time, Tess asked Ali to replace Nikki, the best dancer in Burlesque with not-so-good attitude. Nikki protested in her way. As Ali was on stage, she turned off the music.

But Ali was a natural. She just started to sing and dance, the band and the other dancers joined after. Turned out, Nikki's protest was a step up for Ali. Previously, Burlesque offered only sexy dancers, now it offered live performances, live singer, live dancers, live band.

In no time Ali was getting all the attention. Including from Marcus (Eric Dane), contractor and a regular customer. She started going out with him and made Jack jealous. Though Ali lived with him, since her apartment was robbed, but they barely met. And the tension was getting higher and higher till after a friend's wedding, they fell for each other.

Things get complicated when Jack's fiancee came into town. Ali left and looked for Sean before she got picked up by Marcus. Marcus brought her back to his house where Ali saw his new building model which will be built right where Burlesque is. That's why Marcus was insisting to buy Burlesque from Tess and her husband in disguise to help her settling her debt.

Ali rushed to meet Tess and convinced that she didn't have to sell Burlesque to earn money. Ali learned from Marcus that there is an air rights. Just in front of Burlesque, there is a new condo which offers the best view in town. And when Burlesque is replaced by Marcus's building, no view available. So, Tess sold the air rights to the condo owner. And Burlesque is On.

I was open-mouthed the whole time times two (cause I watched this movie twice). It was beautiful performances by Cher and Christina Aquilera. The music, the songs, the dance, the wardrobe, the hot dancers, the lighting, everything is just beautiful.

I know I am being too much. Some reviews said that Steven Antin isn't delivering this movie well enough. Though it did win Golden Globe for Best Original Song Motion Picture on Cher's 'You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me'. But I love every single part of it.

Maybe its because I didn't have any movie-wise expectations. I just have music-performance expectations by Cher and Christina Aquilera cause I love their music works. And I was totally right and satisfy. Awesome performances by Cher and Christina.

But I can't help notice, some of my friends refused to see this movie because its title, 'Burlesque', which they assume its a strip movie. And I was stunned. Whaaaaa??

After several minutes to read Burlesque's history and the fact that starting from 1930s Burlesque is a strip show, still I can't understand their stand. *rhyming!! ;)
Stand that shows the fear of human sensuality and sexuality which we are created by.

I will not make a judgment upon anything or anyone, this is my personal thoughts. In that movie, we will see the same things. For example, barely minimum wardrobe, hot dancers (read: nice asses, stuffed breasts, sexy poses and dance moves) and 'sex-leading' lyrics. And I am sure that the boys are enjoying themselves while watching this movie. While the girls envious to the dancers.

Those things are contributing factors to a good (or great) performance. The wardrobe is specially designed to meet the theme of the song where beauty meets concept in details. The hot dancers are skillful and talented, no doubt. Their body is just benefit of their hard-worked skills and talent. The lyrics are the work of arts where concept beautifully defined in the language that we can all understand.

And with other contributing factors, voila! Beauty is defined in a good performance.
Suddenly behind that lingerie, hot dancers, sassy song, I see hard works, dedication, passion and faith. Much more than meets the eyes, huh ? :)

Sensuality, sexuality, in my opinion is a form of energy. A creative energy which can also form a hard work, dedication and passion. If we are afraid of sensuality, sexuality, well.. lets just say we'd waste an energy source.

Life is a Run

2011-01-25T15:50:00.007+07:00

Driver (Dwayne Johnson) is the kind of guy who speak less, do more. After serving 10 years in the prison, and made it alive without any trade in or protection from anyone, he run (literally run) for revenge.

He hunted the people who killed his brother in after of the money they stole from a bank. He managed to identify those people and killed them one by one. He just came on them, shot their heads and leave. Just like that. No fancy equipment, no sophisticate plan, no back up. Just a gun and a camaro. Simple, straight to the point, and executed.

Exact opposite to a killer who's assigned to kill Driver after the first murder. Fancy car, sophisticated, fully loaded, and 'beautiful'.

The twist came when he woke his mother to kill his step father, who he thought was the betrayer and told those people to after the stolen money. Turned out his step father was dead couple years back and according to his mother, he wouldn't had betrayed his beloved son. This left Driver a question, who betrayed them ?

His straight forward mode of murder made the police worked the case easy enough. It's detective Cicero (Carla Gugino) and a cop (Billy Bob Thornton) who's about to retire in couple of weeks. They figured Driver's motive and tracked down the next victim possibilities. Cicero found out that all of the victims are police tippers. And her partner offered himself to check some of the possibilities.

Still with the question about the unknown betrayer, Driver went to kill the last person on the list. That last person was a repent and became a priest. By the time his mass ended, Driver asked him out and put a gun on his head, while he was down on his knees, holding a bible and chanting verses about God's mercy. Trigger was pulled. But Driver aimed just few inches from the priest's head. And Driver thought the revenge was done, leaving the one question about the betrayer unanswered.

Then the beautiful killer came in and pointed a gun in Driver's head. Driver was not interested to fight back and said that he had no business with him. The killer felt underestimated and gave Driver a 'sporting chance' to fight back. Still no respond from Driver. Until the third person took over the control.

It was Cicero's partner, who turned out to be the betrayer. He was the one who told those tippers to after the stolen money. Those tippers used to be his informan. Also he was the one who hired the killer to kill Driver.

Driver couldn't figure that there's one person amongst the people who murdered his brother because he was shot in his head before this cop came in that room. Driver was dead for sometimes but he came back alive and had his skull plated.

The cop shot Driver in his head though the killer asked him to give Driver a chance to fight back against him to satisfy his 'sporting needs'. Driver went down. The killer left to his wife to start a new life as the cop with his.

Everything went as the cop's plans except one thing. Plat in Driver's skull saved him once again. Driver was once again came back from the death and put a bullet through the cop's chest.

When Driver had to run all the way from the prison to the place where he kept his camaro, I thought this movie would be a waste to watch in the big screen. But I was wrong.

I feel like 'running' with Driver all the way. Determination. Spontaneous. And onepointed.

The satisfaction in Driver's eyes on the last scene is the reward of that kind determination and onepointedness. And I swear I saw the same satisfaction in Leigh-Ann Touhy's eyes. Well, I guess satisfaction doesn't recognize the 'black' in vengeance and the 'white' in charity ;)
*ohh I am soo over this black and white clustering

'Mr Butterfly'

2011-01-25T14:31:00.005+07:00

Opened with a scene of ass (literally ass), which thankfully the ass was rather nice, I had not-so-good feeling about this movie. And I was right, at least in my (not so humble) opinion.

It was Jack (George Clooney), an assassin/gunman, who became a target by the Swedish. After a missed-shot just outside his cabin, he had to kill his girlfriend and then went to Italy to finish one last job. Assembly a modified gun as per requested by Mathilde (Thekla Reuten). In that small village, Jack a.k.a Edward get along with a priest, Father Benedetto (Paolo Bonacelli), who turned out have a son, Fabio (Filippo Timi). Regularly, Jack slept with one prostitute, Clara (Violante Placido).

The story went on quietly and so did the movie. Hardly no back sound and/or dialogue.

Predictable (and rather lame) end made the cherry on top of this movie. Jack got betrayed by his own boss when he was about to start a brand new life with Clara.

I decided to watch this movie (over lunch) just because of George Clooney. And clearly I had it over-expected.

And it was an over-reaching work. That kind of story, which is taken from a novel, A Very Private Gentleman (1990) by Martin Booth, needs a better description through its scenes, since the sound effects are in minimalist mode.

For example, the butterfly tattoo on Jack's back, how he learned about butterflies, how Mathilde and Clara called him 'Mr. Butterfly', and then the closing scene depict a flying butterfly seem don't have meanings and easily ignored. While I am sure that in its original story (though I haven't read the novel), it has a deep meaning.

Well, I guess this time I have to eat my over-expectation.

Mix Me Hell

2011-01-24T04:06:00.001+07:00

Do you ever curious what is hell all about ?
I think I have the perfect mix of one.

A reality that does not sensed in my sense mix with a longing that will never be fulfilled.

But this kind of hell, I would not trade for anything in this world. Cause this hell is the only mark left by my precious.

:)
Missing him so much..

buai

2011-01-19T03:22:00.000+07:00

denting demi denting
waktu serasa berlari
dan ia memang berlari tanpa henti
bahkan tanpa peduli

tak ada pilihan
selain terseret, terbanting dan terbawa
dalam arus yang berdenting cepat
meninggalkan jejak rasa

tapi tidak untukmu, sayang
sihir yang kau bawa
membuai segalanya
termasuk Sang Kala

o sayang, yang tersayang
hadirlah selamanya
di raga, di jiwa, di hati
satu dan selamanya dalam buai

sayang..

2011-01-17T23:16:00.001+07:00

sayang..
bolehkah aku memanggilmu sayang ?
karena sayang dan cinta
kau ajarkan tanpa kata

sayang..
dunia ini dan nanti tidak akan bisa
menghapuskan rasa sayang
menafikan rasa cinta untukmu sayang

sayang..
jika memang ada cinta dan sayang
cinta yang sebenarnya
sayang yang sesungguhnya
itu kamu, sayang..

sayang..
masih jelas terbayang dirimu di dalam ku
'berenang' dan bermain
tak terkatakan rasa sayang ini

sayang..
dunia merebutku darimu
menuntut, mengutuk dan menghukum
tak apa karena bagiku
tiada selain dirimu

sayang..
bolehkah aku memanggilmu sayang ?
:)

Charity’s Face

2011-01-17T22:23:00.004+07:00

Starred by Sandra Bullock, Leigh-Ann Touhy’s life is filmed in The Blind Side. A movie based on true story of a left tackle, Michael Oher, a black kid legally guarded by the Touhy’s based on nothing, no correlation or whatsoever in their backgrounds and/or foregrounds.

Michael Oher, Big Mike, was accepted to Wingate, a Christian fine school, for his potential athletic skill, tough his grade was far below school standard. He was a state ward since her mother wasn’t the best guardian because she’s on drugs.
Since he was a little, the social service took him from his mother and got him fostered. But none last. Till the last house he stayed in, where the wife is not as kind as the husband. So, he stayed place to place in the night.

Until one night, he came across the Touhy’s. Leigh-Ann took him home and let him sleep in the couch for the night. Just like that.

And then the story goes. Michael’s grades finally adequate for him to join football team and start practice. Turned out football is a fortune changer for Michael, since he got the build as left tackle and he did a great job as one.

Finally, Michael got himself a scholarship to college and made it as an All American football player.

-

The main issue of this movie is actually apartheid issue. A Caucasian Leigh-Ann Touhy volunteering to legally guard an Afro-American Michael Oher. But to me, there’s a little more than color issue that is shown in this movie. It’s kind of depicting one of charity’s face.

Pretty.
Blonde.
And driving a 7 Series BMW.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not implying that we should be one of or all three of above to be able to do charity. Not at all. But pretty, blonde and having a 7 Series BMW convey one message. Abundance. Yet, abundance is not a measureable state. For me, it’s more to an attitude.

Leigh-Ann and her friends can have the same overpriced salad, yet only Leigh-Ann opens the door of her home for a complete (different race) stranger. She did have worries but that didn’t stop her to do what feels right to her. The same wealth, but different attitude.

And to have the face of charity, the face of abundance is not in correlated with wealth, though seem it is, and most of the times the result is wealth.

One of the most generous donor in Asia is a vegetables seller, Chen Shu-Chu. She is the winner of 2011 Asian of the Year as she managed to donor $300.000 aside her revenue as a vegetables seller. That is a lot of money, yes. She must be a rich woman ? No. She just got the attitude of abundance as she only took what she needs and save the rest to give it away for the betterment of her society.

Resulting certain amount of money, appearing as fine wealthy lady, Chen Shu-Chu and Leigh-Ann Touhy are not just some people doing charity. They are the charity’s face. They are caritas, precious ones, one with unlimited loving and kindness.

'I am Time'

2011-01-15T19:36:00.000+07:00

Show me what I am..
Human me not..
Woman me not..
Mother to-be me failed..

Show me what I am!

to you, always i return to

2011-01-13T00:39:00.002+07:00

baby..
to you, always i return to

i haven’t move a bit from that day
3 months ago

i can have myself run
i can have myself hide
i even can pretend i don’t exist
But i can feel you in me, still..

baby..
to you, always i return to

you defined me completely
the strength, the love, the heartbeats
all that you were, when you were in me
is the essence of my life
no matter what the world say

baby..
to you, always i return to

up and down, tears and laughter
step, run and fall
just to ‘serve’ the world
where I don’t belong to
since I belong only to you

baby..
to you, always i return to

(Lord, please...)

untitled

2011-01-07T14:16:00.004+07:00

~

i was going to title this post 'rescue me'. but when that title came across my mind, i just realize there's none to ask for help but myself.

and at first, i thought i was the little hand reaching out for other's to be rescued. but turned out, both hands were my own.

well, dear... just breath... :)

For Coloured Girls

2011-01-06T02:54:00.009+07:00

'I found God in myself'
'And I love her'
'I love her fiercely'

Those are the phrases uttered by Crystal, a mother of two beautiful kids, who is grieving for the lost of her kids cause they were murdered by their own father by throwing them out of the balcony of their apartment, in front of her eyes.

Crystal was an assistance of an editor, Jo. Crystal worked for Jo, for more than 8 years, but Jo was not aware that Crystal was being abused by her husband, until the day Jo saw that murder took place in front of her eyes.

Jo is a fine rich lady with a loving husband, who would take her to the opera just to please her even though he hates watching opera. A husband who swears would never ever sleeping with other woman, other than Jo. No other woman doesn't guarantee no other man to sleep with.

As an editor, Jo made a good fortune and make a great deal of charities. But not when Juanita came along. Juanita started this private health house, especially for woman of color to advise and equip them with knowledge (and condoms) about healthy relationship.

Kelly, a social worker, certainly doesn't need to visit Juanita's health house for a healthy relationship, cause she has one with her husband. Just one thing missing, a child.

And speaking of healthy relationship, Tangie, a bartender, who had sex with different man each night, is nowhere near.

Contrary to Tangie's sister, Nyla, who is Mama's favorite for being such a nice girl in the neighbourhood, till she got pregnant and Tangie sent her to some drunk woman to have an abortion.

Judged and forced to have a ritual for forgiveness by her mama, Nyla left home to her dance teacher's apartment, Yasmine. Unfortunately, Yasmine, who had just been raped by a man she knew before as a good man, froze out of her trauma instead opening the door for Nyla.

Yasmine is the yellow girl.
Nyla is the purple girl.
Tangie is the orange girl.
Kelly is the blue girl.
Juanita is the green girl.
Jo is the red girl.
Crystal is the brown girl.

Each color represents each girl's life.
Which color depict yours the most ?

~~

I picked this movie randomly among bunch of DVDs I bought that day. Random as in I was just interested in the poems that said would be read by the actresses. And yes, it is proven, that random is the best way to pick up hints for life (at least mine), cause for the whole 133 minutes, I just can't take my eyes off the screen.

It was, IMO and despite all the critics on this movie, almost perfect capturing the emotions, not only the supposedly scenes. Especially for Crystal (Kimberly Elise) and Tangie (Thandie Newton), I was most impressed with how they played their character. The loss and the emptiness/meaningless emotion are all over and easily grasped (or its just me, cause I also have those emotions at this moment, I can't tell).

Overall, this movie is beyond my expectation. But what makes me in my top level of mind juggling is the closing line on the end of this movie.

'for coloured girls who are considered suicide but actually they were just moving to the end of the rainbow'

'for coloured girls who are considered suicide', that phrase really got my mind juggle on it. Suicide is just a consideration, a label from society, to define an artificial death that's committed by a person. And I find it ingenious!

And then the following phrase, 'but actually they were just moving to the end of the rainbow', is just like the cherry on top of that ingenious mind. No label, no judgment, just like that, an appreciation.

Just out of curiosity, how many of us who can have mind like that ?

a lost..

2011-01-06T01:41:00.002+07:00

i know a lost
when i see one..

i know a lost
when i hear one..

but beyond all the sight and the sound

i know a lost
when i feel one..

at some point, i just have to know
may not like it
may not prefer it
just have to know it..

i know a lost..

back again..

2011-01-03T23:07:00.003+07:00

things we lost..
have a way to come back again to us..
:)

Time

2011-01-02T21:59:00.002+07:00

If time was depict-able, what would it be ?

A line as in timeline ?
A piece of paper-like that somehow could fold, having the edge meet the other edge and create a moment called ‘De Javu’ (just like in the De Javu Movie) ?
Or perhaps a ‘wheel’ as in ‘Kalachakra’ ?

I was sitting on a bar-like balcony the other night, trying not to trip on a glass of mojito I ordered, and watch this magical picture of time under a sparkling air of fireworks art.

It was a flow. That night, I would depict time as a flow, a current. I was enjoying that glass of mojito when I finally figured that the time is depicting itself as a flow through the traffic flow.

It was really interesting to watch the flow of people as they gathered in that particular spot to greet the changing of time measurement. The flow had a speed. At first it was pretty high, and in time sense, I would call this as ‘get carried away’. Then it slowed down and finally stopped in a particular moment. In time wise I would call this as ‘conscious’. And when it stopped completely, I would call this as ‘crystalized’. Then the speed increased again.

So is time, in my imagination. A flow and it has a speed. We are all riding that flow. When we feel time flies, it might due to we’re getting carried away. When we can feel things are slowing down and clarity is its benefit, we are conscious. And when sometimes we feel the world froze out, just stop, voila! We get the crystals of our lives.

Time after time, I can’t remember I had so many crystals within a year than last year in my current lifetime. The most precious came along and I gave it up. My regret and pain shows me how precious that crystal was.

But the beauty about time is that it is a never ending flow. My flow, when I gave him up, might stop and up until now I’ve gone nowhere, but not for someone else. Someone else might have the fastest flow of their time right now.

I find it beautiful. Time is beautiful. That night, I just looked at the picture of time in its closest sense of my mind.

And I didn’t even drunk at all, just sat and missed my 'Bhumi' in the deepest sense.

24 weeks and 4 days

2011-01-01T00:27:00.001+07:00

i miss you, Bhumi..

wait for me..

(new year) wish..

2011-01-01T00:20:00.000+07:00

seconds..
minutes..
hours..
days..
weeks..
months..
and a year change..

gone by
with only one wish..

to be with you, sayang..
just with you..

soon and very soon..

~in the 'silent' moment of year change, deeply longing for my 'Bhumi'

lagi..

2010-12-31T15:13:00.000+07:00

tertinggal
lagi..

sakit
lagi..

luka
lagi..

hanya, terima kasih
lagi..

semoga bahagia
selalu..

this is why..

2010-12-30T15:34:00.001+07:00

do you wanna know
why i turn my head down everytime i see you

do you wanna know
why i take a distance when you are near

do you wanna know
why i can't hold you long enough

do you wanna know
why i can't hug you eventhough i really want to

do you wanna know ?

this is why..

i lost my defenses
i lost my control
i can't help not to want you
more and not likely enough
i lost myself in you

this is why..

Aku. Suka.

2010-12-30T11:44:00.004+07:00

his name is Ganesha
and he wants to go to Gadjah Mada University

Today is Not Exist

2010-12-28T07:05:00.001+07:00

Started with tears
Tears of longing
Tears of most regret
Tears of anger
Tears of despair

Today is not exist

The rain falls down
Greets morning with mist
Yet above those cloudy sky
The sun shines bright
But not my sun

Today is not exist

The stronger this world have me on
The faster this world have me run
The harder this world treats me
With everything it can possibly offers
I just lost my apetite

Today is not exist

All those wishes
All those expectations
All is hilariously funny
Since none of them truly see

Today is not exist

As I kneel and held my head down
Gita sings its beautiful verse
About longing for union
O yes, I do longing
For union with my precious

Today is not exist

There are times
Limit is reached
Broke down, blood and tears were shed
Its Your way or 'Your way', Lord

Today is not exist

wordless

2010-12-26T22:27:00.002+07:00

kangen..
dia..

another face of duality

2010-12-26T21:10:00.005+07:00

we've known black and white
we've known hot and cold
we've known dark and light

and in that fine afternoon,
under the cloudy and misty air
i was made aware of another face of duality
simple and chaos

Complexity theory is the study of how complicated patterns can result from simple behaviors of individuals within a system.

Chaos is the study of how simple patterns can be generated from complicated underlying behavior.

same initial condition
same system
same treatment
just a little different of weighting
but from a chaos, there's a simple pattern
and from a simple pattern, chaos is made possible

so, that face of duality says,
if you think your life is in chaos, the answer is simple
and if you think your life is too simple, chaos is on its way
(i think :)

by the way, did you know that this cute broccoli contains both of simplicity and chaos ? :)

that voice

2010-12-25T21:24:00.001+07:00

it has magic on it
turning everything upside down

it has warmth on it
melting the cold inside

it has trigger on it
bringing the words inside out

it is an addictive
once you hear it, hard to forget it

it has a seduction on it
once you hear it, you will want more

it has a hook on it
it keeps clinging on your brain

that voice, yours

Some Game

2010-12-25T18:07:00.001+07:00

Some game..
Couldn't see the tip of its course..

Some game..
Had me sitting in the same place
And cried the same tears
But in a whole other level
Even in a whole other me

Some game..
Nothing I can do with the pain
Except enjoy every single hurt
And praise every drop of tears

Some game..
Could it get any meaner ?

It was and still is some game..

dating again...

2010-12-24T23:44:00.003+07:00

finally..
after so many partners..
lots of changes and back to back..

they say 'first love never dies'
indeed..

all blackberry services
chatting with God
couldn't replace the beauty of my first love..
my books..

and i'm dating again..

The Where Part

2010-12-24T23:18:00.004+07:00

"having someone who believes in you and a place to stay out of trouble"

Lets pass the who part and jump to the where part. When the days are considered as holy, I can't find one person who is not aiming to go to the place where they can stay out of trouble. A home.

Few days ago, I dropped the one who is in blood correlated with me, to a bus station. So thrilled to go to the one place where she can stay out of trouble. It's kinda weird actually when I saw that thrill. Weren't I suppose to have that thrill too ?

Trouble finds me, anywhere I go. And I just lost the definition of a home looking like the above picture when I looked into my mother's eyes the day she knew about my precious.

I guess the where part for me is not a place anymore.

~a thought in a 'crowded' silent night,
after few agarbattis in my longing for him

3 Things (not wishes)

2010-12-24T00:01:00.002+07:00

If you were given a limitation on things, limited to 3 things, to take on life, what would it be ?

Spouse, family, home ?
Love, friendship, pet ?
Money, assets, investments ?
Wisdom, goodness, virtues ?

James Bretton in Wall Street, Money Never Sleeps give me an idea, which I think I would go for these 3 things if ever the limitation is applied.

Loyalty.
Balls.
Skill.

Now, many people would despise me if they know I choose loyalty. Understandable and no hard feelings taken. I am not the perfect icon for loyalty, history surely speaks for itself.

But I do believe in loyalty (and God knows I tried, still trying, and will always try to give my best shot). And I do have faith that loyalty will take you places. Though in these times of world, many would take loyalty as an overrated and so old school. The way I see it, this world now is the battle of interests and personal gains.

But as I think it through mixed with personal experiences, I came across to this one question. Is it a what or a whom we must put our loyalty on ?

I met this man, few weeks ago, who said that it is on a what we must put our loyalty on, not on a whom. It was interesting. Because immediately my mind denied since I am a whom person, at least by personal experiences.

I need some times to figure this out. And turned out, I mistook attachment as loyalty. Thanks to that man.

It is on a what we need to put our loyalty. Once you find that what, you would have purpose and guide through whomever you meet in this world. Voila, you find your course. It's loyalty.

And after the course laid in, we would need balls to take us out there. No balls, no gain ;) seriously. Balls is like the ignition in a machine. It starts everything. Bring the action on its course.

Last but not least, skills. Balls without skills would be like driving with no brake. Waste of resources, high risk and less effective. Skills would be the control to take us precisely to our goals.

So, not such a bad idea, ya ?
3 things to take on life, no matter in what life you are in now. What's your choices ?

asitis

2010-12-23T18:35:00.003+07:00

for some, most of all, its too dark
they can't and/or won't look at it

for few, one perhaps, its just as it is
but none they can do about it

for me, its who i am
i won't cover it up, i won't change it
i won't trade it for anything in this world or beyond

a whisper..

2010-12-21T18:54:00.002+07:00

"Mbak Nyomaaan.."

"Iya, Mauli, kenapa ?"

"Ini buat Mbak Nyoman."

"Makasiii.. Eh uda diwarnain juga yahhh.."

"Iyahh."

"Makasiiiii yaa.. "

(ibu....)

Just like that..
Between Mauli's smile and my voice..
A whisper..

(Lord..please.. let me come home to him, soon.. )

Masked Words

2010-12-21T11:14:00.004+07:00

A friend of mine shared that being in this world is all about wearing masks.
And I can't agree more, in the sense of adaptation.

Put it this way, when I just meet a person, he/she would definitely thinks that I am an extrovert person. But only few people in this world know that actually I am an introvert person. That is my social mask.

But the word 'mask' is not entirely match my definition of 'masking' (read: adapting). Mask is one thing that you can wear on and off, and it can be a completely different you. And I don't do that.

My 'masking' is just an adjustment of my original self.

When I know the people and the situation, I would adjust the 'mask' a little bit close to the original me. And when I don't know the people and the situation, I would put many barriers, e.g mannerism, politeness, social/company hierarchy, etc.

That's it. 'Masking' for me is all about adaptation. Not that I should be a completely different person to meet the needs of the society.

But, that's me. And the thought of 'everybody has the same thoughts as ours' is just so damn wrong. And I have to be reminded in a hard way.

And this time, I get to be introduced to a new method, which is masking not only in the face, gesture, or body-wise, but also in words. As much as I try to appreciate anything, and I mean every single thing in this world regardless its label, I give up on this one method.

Masked Words, as I call it.
The method that allow you to say one thing to one person and say another thing, which is a complete opposite, to another person.

Previously, I learned that on words, people can play. Just play, no action or whatsoever. And they get to pick the play, such as adding, hiding, subtituting, or simply just word-less.

But the play of opposite words, in order to meet the society needs, is just out of my range. I can totally understand, but I may not be able to appreciate it.

Funny thing, the person who's playing this masked words is the same person who called (and fingered) me 'hypocrite' in front of my family. Well, I guess that's life.. :)

The Girl

2010-12-20T16:02:00.004+07:00

With The Dragon Tattoo

Never ever underestimate combination of a reporter and a hacker. That combination can ruin anyone's life who mess with them.

It's Blomkvist and Salander. The reporter and the hacker.

They were brought together by a case of missing person leading to murder case.

Blomkvist had few months before he has to go to prison for writing a 'fraud' allegation against Wennerstrom, a Swedish billionaire. And in that mean time, he was hired by Henrik Vanger to re-investigate a 40-years-old case, which is his niece, Harriet Vanger, missing case.

Henrik Vanger had a pre-investigation on Blomkvist before he hired him. A hacker/investigator named Salander, with her outstanding look, who investigated Blomkvist.

Turned out, the case was not only a missing person case. It was a suspected murder case. And after a while of remote surveillance on Blomkvist laptop, Salander couldn't help not to get her hands on dirt. So she sent Blomkvist a traceable email, containing clues to the case.

From that moment on, Blomkvist and Salander worked together solving these clues. And turned out, it was indeed a murder case. Sexual-religious misinterpretation-serial killing for more precise.

The clues are these numbers in the back of Harriet's bible which every piece of numbers leading to one particular verse in the bible. Blomkvist and Salander connected the verses with murder cases that happened in the last 100 years. One murder per verse, conducted as per written in that particular verse.

Crosschecked with company bills in the last 100 years, Salander finally figured who was the murderer. But it was too late for her, since the murderer got Blomkvist tied up in his basement. It was Harriet's brother, Martin.

Lucky for Blomkvist, Salander got there just in time. Martin escaped as Salander tried to save Blomkvist. Then Salander went after Martin on her motorcycle and watched Martin's car crushed after collided with a truck. She could have saved him, before the car blew up. But she didn't, cause her personal hatred on sexual abusive men.

The next day, Blomkvist found that Salander was already leaving and left a note that there are 2 Anita Vanger (Harriet's cousin and also her best friend) in this world. One lived in London but already dead, one other lived in Australia, alive.

So, Blomkvist went to Australia to pick up Anita Vanger, who's none other than Harriet Vanger in her disguise.

Blomkvist solved the case and then carried out the sentence. While in prison, Salander came to visit Blomkvist, brought a bunch of documents, which is results of her investigation on Wennerstrom. Soon as Blomkvist out of the prison, he wrote an accurate and valid allegation against Wennerstrom based on Salander's investigation results. (Told you, not to mess with these two :)

--

This is, so far, the best thriller movie I've ever seen. More than 2 hours play and over-air conditioned studio didn't affect my attention while my movie buddy complained a lot afterward.

I was most impressed with the female lead, Noomi Rapace. How she played complicate character such as Lisbeth Salander perfectly. Grew up watching her mother abused and also got abused by her own (step) father until she lit him on fire.

And it has a good plot perfectly depicted in the scenes. It's like Blomkvist and Salander are not just investigating on their own, but somehow they got us to investigate the case in our own mind.

One word for this movie, captivated. :)

--

Now playing, the second sequel.

Who Played With Fire

a Glimpse of Desire

2010-12-20T15:22:00.003+07:00

It was 2007.
We were looking to buy a new mobile phone for her birthday present.

And now is 2010.
We both haven't aged a bit.

Yesterday, no birthday present for both of us.
Just a lunch at this place she loves so much (too much, until she wrote in her wall to be one of places she would visit when she comes home this week).

Nothing special about the lunch though the place is called 'special'.
But one moment while waiting for our orders, that one special gesture surfaced.

Through this fine girl, I saw a glimpse of desire that I should have.
Desire of Life.

Her desires make her to be one fine lucky girl.
Great life awaits!

My desire make me to be one lucky girl.
When the end comes and be with my 'Bhumi'.

Warmth

2010-12-20T14:50:00.001+07:00

Can you feel it ? :)

Details and Car Ads

2010-12-16T15:00:00.007+07:00

I was not expecting anything when I decided to drag my friend to watch this movie. Just after 2 days of tears, migraine started to kick in and I hardly can see my own pupil, I figured I need to go out. And this movie is the eyes menu for that night.

Opened with an argue scene about how men should work under women or viceversa, and how women should not work under another women, this movie immediately got my attention. Though for the first 15 minutes, I was looking for (or guessing for more precise) Russell Crowe, the male lead. And there he was, been there in those scenes for 15 minutes, and I didn't recognize him. How age can be very deceiving ;)

It was a happy family of three, dad, mom and son, having their usual morning, when the police suddenly broke and entered the house to arrest mom for murder charge. That was 3 years ago.

Time flies, taking us to t-3 months.

Mom was proven guilty of murder and facing 20 years to life time sentence in the county jail. Its in Pittsburgh, by the way, where the county jail is The Allegheny Jail, which no one can escape from alive before. Dad submitted an appeal to the higher court and got rejected.

And then my favorite part of this movie, when dad asked the question about life to his students in community college. What kind of life you want to live ? The life that is subjected to you by this world or the kind of life that you decide to have ?

Barely spoke too much, just read books, research, one source interview, and detailing. Dad made the escape plan on his bedroom wall. And then it can't wait any longer due to the transference. It's t-3 days.

Not best laid plan and mom's hesitation made a hell car ads. Chevrolet. Nice!

But, escaped.
Caracas, Venezuela is the life dad decided to have with mom and son.

It is detail preparations and patience that make the plan become the best laid plan.

m.a.u

2010-12-16T13:44:00.001+07:00

Satu

Dua

:D:D

My 'Perfect' One

2010-12-15T17:59:00.008+07:00

Some say timing is everything.
Others say it is the place that speak distinctly.
And most of us are familiar with 'getting carried away' and mostly resulting something that we regret for the rest of our lives.
So, ideally, we need the right time, the right place and supporting situation to have the perfect result.

But not for me.
I found my 'Perfect' one, in the worst timing, place and situation possible.

It started with a hug and a touch of his baby hair.
Filled with teases and laughter.
Warmed with kisses and whispers.
Gifted with most precious ever.
It ended with a look, that no word can describe..

It was Perfect.
It is Perfect.
It will always be Perfect.
My 'Perfect' One.

it has been a slice of heaven, boy.. thank you..

Just Some Things

2010-12-15T12:30:00.004+07:00

That (mid)night, as my brain craved for 'sate', this piece of mind crossed over my head. And since I was with a friend, I can't help to share my craving and that piece of mind.

So I shared, asked for more precise.
Why do (good and/or bad) things happen to people ?

My friend gave a perspective with an analogy of 'exit way'. Let's say this world is an airport. With so many passangers come and go, maybe even stay for a while like in that movie, The Terminal. And suddenly the emergency alarm blares. What should they do ? What would you do ?

Of course first reaction, mostly, is panic. And then logic set in to find an exit way.

Here, my friend pointed out, what the 'regular' people would do. They would first try to find the exit sign and the follow it to the exit way. But some other people might choose another way, e.g breaking the windows, doors, etc. And according to my friend, these people are 'unlogical', freaks so to say, and it (might be) caused by an 'ego' (or material spiritualism in Trungpa's language).

I can't help noticing the sarcasm arose while the 'ego' word surfaced.

Well, my friend nailed it! Sarcasm hit the target right on the head. Me :)

That question was over-assumed. I merely asking, why ? And I got the 'ego' bullet. Hahaha..

But I can totally understand that perspective, considering what I've done recently (breaking the window would be so lame compare to what I've done). And somehow that question was (over)assumed as my 'free pass' to all the wrongs that I've done, so I can get free from the punishments that I deserved.

And not just shot the 'ego' bullet, the perspective added some 'size'.

When we have that kind of guts to break the windows, we should use it for 'big' things instead of 'small' things. Well well.. Size does matter, doesn't it ? ;)

I don't know which one 'lit' me up that night, the 'sate kambing' or the 2 bullets of 'ego' and 'size' that were shot right on between my eyes.

Lemme get back to my simple question.
Why do (good and/or bad) things happen to people ?

I was hoping Uncle Karma to show up. Cause I would definitely go buddy buddy with him (I love Uncle Karma so much). And Uncle Karma was indeed my one of aiming points. But don't get me wrong. This is my Uncle Karma we're talking about, not just any other karma.

If only my oral question could be displayed as my written question above, maybe my friend would noticed the open-close brackets in 'good and/or bad' words. And also the use of 'and/or'.

As I've been buddy buddy with Uncle Karma all these years, all these lives, he is a swell guy. Always have been and always will be. How could he not ? He would return you favor, exact and precise, no more no less. Even if you don't ask for it, he would give it to you anyway. Swell, isn't he ?

That's why I put the brackets and the 'and/or' there.

Good, bad, white, black, in between are labels we got from this world. Frankly speaking, I am highly convinced that Uncle Karma doesn't give a damn shit about those labels. No matter in what label you are, he is still a swell guy whom will always return your favor, exact and precise, no more no less.

So, my answer to that why question is because it's time to say hello to Uncle Karma. And by saying hello is to serve him the best of our ability despite how wrecked our houses might be.

When I was made aware of the presence of my most loved one, I couldn't describe that feeling. And I had (and still have) faith that the presence of my most loved one was meant to be, meant to something. But the world, my world sees it differently. Labels are pasted upon me and my precious. It also addresses bunch of rules on us. And I gave up which is not the best ability that I should presented to Uncle Karma.

Again, such a swell guy Uncle Karma is, he just smiles at me and stays on my doorstep. Now I just have to put my best abilities together to welcome him in my days and nights after I gave up. Though so far, tears and end-to be with my precious wishes are my best I can come up with.

Welcoming Uncle Karma needs guts. Just like the guts to break the window. And it's not an ego. I call it responsibility. Simple, is it not ?

Then the 'size' bullet came up.

I have to admit, I almost choked on my 'sate' when the 'size' came up since laughing would be inappropriate. And frankly speaking, that my friend came up with 'size', I was most surprised. Never thought that kind of thought could come across our friendship cause by 'size'-ing my question is indirectly 'size'-ing me, and of course I would definitely be fitted in the small size (not that I'm offended, since I don't do 'size'-ing to anyone and/or anything).

As in my perspective of 'size'-ing, none is big nor small. All is equally important, in(ter)correlated, and interconnected, just need to add priority scales, shared responsibilities, and full skilled troubleshooting.

One act or decision from one man in this world is influenced by the world around and at the same time will change the world. One man's act is a change to the world. And if the guts is not supposed to use on 'small' things, how are 'big' things even possible ?

And that night ended up in a clarity on how much we are apart on certain point of views. But no problem, that’s what friends are for, right ? We may look at the same diamond, but diamond has many facets. We might be able to see few facets, but friends show us the other facets.

Things are just some things. Things happened, happening, and will keep happen. It’s not the bad or the good part that is important. But how we handle things and do we have enough guts to handle it properly, that’s what most important. Or in my words, welcoming Uncle Karma with attitude and guts.

Then again, there will be no beautiful lights without darkness. :)

a hug

2010-12-15T11:23:00.003+07:00

2 months away..
more tears instead of less..
took me 2 full days to deal with it..

then you hug me..
this morning..
more tears instead of less..
but a slice of smile included..

my 'bhumi'..
the love and the life of mine..

SaC - Courage Edition

2010-12-15T10:46:00.002+07:00

Clear Spinach Soup

Bean Cake and Sausage Saute

Meatball Fried Rice

Up until this point, my hand and my tongue worked nicely with my memory. But when I get to the saute, it broke. I can feel my hand, my tongue and my memory has no harmony. And resulted not so good saute. And I figured that not only 'great' things need courage, but 'small' things, such as cooking, need courage as well. Courage to see, feel, and taste broader. Courage to fail, and courage to come back up.

But I was uplifted by this one person, who always consider my cooks are delicious or delight. Love you, man.. :)

call it ?

2010-12-13T21:36:00.001+07:00

To bear the loss of the love and the life of mine, The Beloved of this soul, literally everything in material and immaterial senses over lies and the so called 'love' but actually just a game of words resulting this unknown feeling.

What would you call it ?

My Wanting

2010-12-10T21:55:00.003+07:00

In the middle of a department store, my aunt asked me, ‘What do you want ? Do you want anything ? Just tell me, and we ll go get it.’ Right that moment I almost lose my grip.

The other day, a friend of mine also asked the same thing. What do you want ?
And I can feel my sanity is about to jump out of the window.

And today, someone asked me that question again.
Froze me in an amount of time, and it’s just like everything disappear.

Have you ever been in some kind of dream, which everything is so real and you can see it clear as clear as the reality but its muted ?

There I was. Muted in one moment of reality.
And I can hear my soul yearning, literally screaming, for my ‘Bhumi’..

That’s my wanting. My only wanting.

all that you

2010-12-09T23:08:00.004+07:00

all that you were
all that you said
all those feelings
all those words
i am, forever and always, be thankful for

and at one point, choice has been made
i am, forever and always, appreciate it

choice that followed with price(s)
choice that we all must live up with
choice that taught me the many faces of love

but in myself i believe,
forever and always

picture is taken from here

My Grief is My Shelter

2010-12-09T21:47:00.000+07:00

For every tear..
For every drop of blood..
For every sense of pain..
For every sense of longing..

My grief is my shelter.

~in deep longing for 'Bhumi Mandala Kelana'

Always and Forever

2010-12-08T21:25:00.002+07:00

Always and forever.

2 words that should never be said by anyone to anyone.
Cause none remains the same and none last forever.

But I believe in those words,
for the ones I would dedicate those words to.

My boys..
who shall never be mine,
but the one I surely come home to, soon..

Picture is taken from here.

a flash, you

2010-12-06T14:34:00.006+07:00

that flash of 'goodbye' i saw the other night
is that you ?

:)

i wish i could say i am relieved
i wish i could say i am happy for you
i wish i could pretend
though i am good at pretending
i just can't pretend to my own heart

that is you..

:)

Picture is taken from here.

The Boy's Gone

2010-12-06T13:32:00.003+07:00

...
What will happen to a face in the crowd when it finally gets too crowded.
And what will happen to the origins of sound after all the sounds have sounded
Well I hope I never have to see that day but by god I know it's headed our way
So I better be happy now that the boy's going home.
The boy's gone home.

And what becomes of a day for those who rage against it
And who will sum up the phrase for all left standing around in it
Well I suppose we'll all make our judgment calls
We'll walk it alone, stand up tall, then march to the fall
So we better be happy now that we'll all go home.
That we'll all go home.

Be so happy with the way you are
Just be happy that you made it this far
Go on be happy now.
Please be happy now.
...

The Boy's Gone, Jason Mraz

So does my boy..
My boy is home..
Wait for me, baby..
I'm coming home to you, soon..

Picture is taken from here.

... and the winner is ...

2010-12-06T13:25:00.009+07:00

While Harry started his journey with polyjuice potion,

which I thought it was a not-so-bad starter for more exciting journey, but turned out the journey was so 'flat' til the end of the 1st part of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows and even 'flatter' on the ending scene,

Eustace made a good impression by transforming from a total complainer into a mighty-good looking-sensitive gold dragon, who's, IMO, played a better role (and a better faith) than Lucy and Edmund in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

But both Harry and Eustace can't beat this dog-skilled-horse persistence, Maximus, in Tangled. Such an entertaining horse! :))

Yet, though Maximus is a persistent dog-skilled-horse with built in guard attitude, he obeyed this super cute little creature 'words' (well not actually words, but more of gestures). What was it ?

Ta-Daaa!

And so!
The winner is Pascal, The Chameleon! ^_^

Pictures are taken from here, here, and here.

Rhythm of Rain

2010-12-06T12:14:00.003+07:00

Hugging me so tight
Seems none left in sight
You gave me deep shiver
And you haven't touch me yet

You left none, in touching me
In your every drop, you own me
Yours and mine are beautifully collaborating
Our warmth lit the night

My ears can't help to yield
As your whispers fillin' in
My skin yearns for more of you
Torement me in seduction

Can't love you enough
Can't have you enough
Don't stop now, dear
Your every drop, makes me whole again

It was you, it was always you, and will always be you.

Hello Darkness!

2010-12-05T23:08:00.005+07:00

The Late Dumbledore once said:

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light.

All of you would riddle that quote out easy enough, I'm sure.

But I can't help wondering, what's wrong with the darkest of times ?
Why do we have to be so anti to darkness ?
Why do we have to be so picky and wanting all the light and left behind all the dark ?

Why don't we say instead,
'Hello Darkness! Nice to see you (again) and guess what? This time I would be keeping you company for quite some times. How's that sound ? :)'

For Good and For Good

2010-12-05T22:53:00.003+07:00

1st For Good.

I would go down in a discussion (which had someone pointed his finger on me and called me crazy for) to really define what’s good and what’s bad. Since I’ve took the good and the bad ‘fruit’ in this world.

But not this time.

It’s the time to write about the ‘For Good’ I’ve been trying to do. For good, in this case ‘good’ is the betterment of others, my loved ones.

I tried and still trying to do anything and everything, literally anything and everything. And in those trials, I put aside my personal interests. At least, I try my best to do so. Cause the ‘good’ or betterment of my loved ones is the aim. No matter how much the price I have to pay.

Sounds so noble, huh ? Don’t get me wrong. I am not even an iota close to being noble. Everything is in the contrary.

This ‘for good’ mode is like choosing the best from the worst case scenarios possible. I did try, and keep trying until my loved ones (and some already) are safe and sound.

2nd For Good.

This one needs a lil more efforts to put in. If only I were one of those witches in Harry Potter, who could just utter an ‘obliviate’ spell.

Still with the same aim as the 1st For Good mode, this 2nd mode follows whatever mean of the 1st mode. I just couldn’t see the betterment of my loved ones being compromised again.

So, any means necessary will be for good and for good.
Including...

Love-o-Graphy

2010-12-05T01:15:00.002+07:00

I.
Born from Love.
Surrounded by Love.
Live in Love.

II.
Meet in Love.
Walk in Love.
Fall in Love.
Separate in Love.

III.
Run from Love.
Hide from Love.
Kill the Love.
Lost the Love.

IV.
No Love.

V.
Die to get to the Love.

Matching The Un-Matched

2010-12-05T01:03:00.004+07:00

Death is certain.
Death is (only) one point on the stream called Life.
Death is easy (some say).
At some points, and I found myself often being in those points recently, death is the best choice.

But what I didn’t know until recently is that, there is this one thing that can un-match death. In other words, even death is no match to this thing.

The thing is called wishful thinking.

It’s actually really nice to have this in my knowing. Only then my brain, as usual, doing some juggling and conclude that, if you still have wishes, desires in your mind, even death can’t touch you.

Surely, universe, as stated by the law of attractions preachers, will move towards those wishes and desires fulfillment. Meaning, great life await for those people. And it’s nice to know that. Great lives for those great people, whom I know some.

But the tricks set in, when finally my brain doing some reflection of its own.

What are my wishes ?
What are my desires ?

Then I notice what I have in mind every single morning, I wake up and find myself wishing one thing, only one. Being with him, my ‘Bhumi’. Tricky as it gets, cause I will need death to match to my wishful thinking.

(I bet You are rolling in the floor now, laughing at me. Aren’t You, God?)

SaC - Mushroom Kangkung Ca and Mushroom Omelette

2010-12-04T20:45:00.006+07:00

Not my best shot, but still..
Well I guess I have to accept another skill of these hands. ;)

The Play

2010-12-02T23:51:00.000+07:00

Lil' ego have the confident to say that I am The Player of this Play, The Play.

(Seems) None can take over The Play from The Player's hand, my hand.

Turns out, lil' do I know, The Play is not mine to play.

Even 'I' am not The Player.

'I' am the one who got played.

One (An Apology)

2010-11-30T22:09:00.001+07:00

one and once in a a lifetime
to feel the one thing
that all people is searching
just once with the one

the one who took my eyes off everything
the one who filled my world with perfectness
the one who made me a half
since the other half is taken by that one

one look and I'm melting
one touch and I'm trembling
one laugh and I'm warming
one kiss and I'm falling

one, just the one
(and I'm truly sorry for falling)

God is a ...

2010-11-30T19:03:00.004+07:00

Some friends of mine would fill the blank with 'director', as they stated in their movie (cin(T)a) and made it as their website address (http://www.godisadirector.com).

Others would go for 'love', 'light', 'imaginary', even 'for suckers'.
See it for yourself here.

But last night, I can't help wondering and I'm pretty sure that God is actually a smoker, an opium smoker for more precise.

Why ?
Because He doesn't care about our happiness or sadness.

Sure, He cares for us, His creation. But He doesn't care about what's happening to us, because He already created those laws which run this world. And it's up to us to 'play' in this very world.

But He did create some mechanisms (just like He created those laws) in our body, mind and soul. In this case, tears and laughs mechanism which is the particular reason I am sure that He is an opium smoker.

Again, why ?

Did you know that when we cry and/or laugh, our body produce some kind of natural opium called enkephalin (when we cry) and endorphin (when we laugh) ?

Both enkephalin and endorphin are included in opioid peptide family which 'effects may vary, but they all resemble opiates' (as I quote from Aunt Wiki here).

Well, well.. isn't God a true smoker ?
He just simply provides the opiates solution for all our matters, regardless happy and/or sad. Nice!! ;)

Disclaimer :
This post is a very personal-highly subjective-opinionated 'insight' while I was in very much pain. Any objections are welcome without further follow up.

Prisoners of The World

2010-11-29T16:13:00.009+07:00

Aren't we all ?

Some or most of you might not agree with this statement, that we are all prisoners of this world. But I do think so, though some or most of us will not agree let alone admit it (which is fine by me).

This world is our prison. The 'world' here is not the earth beneath us nor the air we breath nor the sky above. The 'world' here is the society where we live in, no matter in which part of earth you live on. And we are the prisoners. Most of you might be wondering how in the hell we can be the prisoners of this world ?

This simple question might help you out from your fuzz, how many times in your life time you decide to do something that you really want to do ? Doing something that you REALLY want to do ?

My answer for that question is still in my fingers count, no more than that.

All my life, I’ve been doing things which seem good for others (and also for me), but mostly not what I personally want. From deciding which school I went to, what major I took, what clothes to wear, etc.

I am so much into language arts yet I major in engineering. I love flip flops more than ever yet I wear them just to drive. I love black clothes yet I have another color in my dresser. Why is that ? It’s because I still live in very world.

The world, the society has its way to put that invisible prison in your mind. By setting some norms, some indexes, some measurements, some criteria to define which one is good and which one is bad.

But it’s not their fault. It’s up to us. Would we go for that kind of set up ? Or we set up our own mind ?

I never realized this until few months back. Before that, I was always been a semi-rebel. I broke almost every rules, with full of awareness. When someone told me not to do A, A is exactly what I’m going to do. Back then, I thought I was free from the world’s set up. Turned out, I wasn’t. I’m still living in this world as its prisoner.

Few months back, I was given the ‘way out’ from being prisoner of this world. And I was going for it. For this ‘way out’ involved the one I cherish the most, the one I gave my life to. Plans were made and laid in.

It was perfect arrangements, at least I’d like to think so. Until I saw the impact to my world (read: my society). I felt my hands and my feet are tied or more like I tied them myself to the set up of this world. Again for the good of others (read: my society). And then, I gave up my ‘way out’.

At the time I give up, I realized I just lose my life and I can see the prison bars clearly.

Viola! Prisoners of The World.

'Redemption Song' playing in the back sound..

...
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy, cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets, while we stand aside and look?
Ooh! Some say it's just a part of it, we've got to fullfil the book.

Won't you help to sing this songs of freedom,
'Cause all I ever have redemption songs.
...

Picture is taken from here.

FaC - Ninik's Soup

2010-11-29T10:14:00.003+07:00

Cooking this soup got me wondering, all my life I ate this soup without knowing how simple to make it. :D

And for your information, all these cooks are MSG free!
We are salt and sugar believers :))

Rear-view Mirror Talks

2010-11-28T22:38:00.000+07:00

I was on the road the other day, driving my car to get home. It was raining, and when it rains I can’t get hold of my thoughts. But that afternoon my mind wasn’t go far away. At least, I can still see the object of my mind’s interest. It’s the right rear-view mirror in my car.

What’s so interesting about that rear-view mirror ? Nothing. It was the same as usual. Then why, suddenly, my mind got stuck with it in that particular afternoon ?

It was its reflections and how it helped me drive.

Years I’ve been driving my car, and I do understand how a rear-view mirrors have a crucial role in driving a car. Sort of a guidance for the driver to decide where to lead the car. That afternoon, I realized that in life we should have a rear-view mirror just like when we drive. And we have, we all have. Just sometimes, for me particularly, lots of times, we forget that we have.

This rear-view mirror in our lives is called memory.

Many are saying that we shouldn’t live in the past nor in the future. Live in the present time. Right here, right now. It’s like we sit behind the steer, handling the clutch, the gas , the brake and the gear. That’s our present in life with our potentials, abilities, strength to live our path (in this metaphor, our road) ahead.

The road ahead is the future, and what we may find in that road is a mystery. But as we sit behind the steer, and step on the gas to lead the car ahead, we need to see the rear-view mirror from time to time. What reflects in the rear-view mirror is our past. From time to time, we need to review our past, which will provide a guidance for us to decide where to go.

That’s the ideal. That’s the saying of many wise men. And as usual, I’m so damn far from the ideal. So damn far from being wise too.

When my mind got stuck in that right rear-view mirror, I found where my life at. In the reflection of that rear-view mirror. In the past. Particularly, the past about few months back. In that past, I was given the most precious ever. Back then, that was all I ever wanted, and still till now.

In driving, it is impossible to see the same view between rear-view mirror’s reflection and front view of your car. But in my life, that’s what happen. What I see in my rear-view mirror is what I see also in my front view. I see my precious. And that is all that I ever want, now and forever.

aku hanya mencinta, itu saja

2010-11-26T23:16:00.003+07:00

tak tergantikan
tak kan cukup terkatakan

tak kan lekang
pun jua hilang

setiap rasa
setiap kata

sesaat yang terasa selamanya
hadirkan keabadian

hanya dengannya
hanya dia

dan aku hanya mencinta
itu saja

Have You Ever ?

2010-11-26T01:50:00.002+07:00

Have you ever...
literally lose your ground ?
literally feel the ground beneath you is falling apart ?

GoNE

2010-11-24T10:01:00.004+07:00

like the sunset..
just set..
and shall never rise again..

Picture is taken from here.